I suppose it was fated that I skipped the finer details of my hospital stays. Not only did I apparently hallucinate a lot, but my oxygen needs were at one point 8L on an oxymizer. Milo and my physician questioned my ability to pull through the DVT and PEs. I survived the first stay to return twice when the new chemo wouldn’t allow me to keep more than water down,
And then I was released just after my father died. It is is incredibly difficult to grieve for your parent when you are fighting to keep weight on (not accomplished) and your life changes immensely when you are given a box of medications to manage your own pain and nausea. I haven’t given up on a miracle, but I just couldn’t take being sick anymore. The suffering was too much and all I wanted was to make it through the holidays and everything else was icing on the cake. We’re in the cake phase. I’m enjoying it.
Such as, last night Milo was giving me my a dose of my medications and said something about the monty. I commented on the full monty and off came his undergarments to Milo’s own twisted dance. I couldn’t stop laughing and I realized it was little moments like puddle jumping or cooking together whenever we could that I was trying to fight for. I gave up the chemo so that I could live for all the little moments and memories that make up a real life. I’m creating with Milo times so that no matter what happens when he remembers me fondly.
Or as he said finds me irreplaceable.