Bad Night

I’m posting this at two a.m, local time because I’m awake.  For a few weeks, this was a fairly common occurrence. I would find it impossible to get comfortable and would sit up waiting for some medication or other to kick in.  Last week, however, Milo and my chemo nurse Heather ratted me out to the nurse practitioner and she changed my medications.  I’m not just taking oxycodone for pain; I am also taking oxycontin (a long acting oxycodone) every twelve hours in hope of starving off the pain.  This started after a dose of IV dilaudid that worked so beautifully at getting rid of my pain that I was flying.  It was the first time I had been truly comfortable in months

For the first few days, the twice a day oxycontin worked so well that I didn’t need anything else.  Friday, however, I needed more break through medication (oxycodone) that I have in a while.  I was having a really bad pain day.  This, unfortunately, lapped into the weekend and I not only needed the oxycodone, but drugs to help me have normal bowel movements because oxycodone constipates.  The pressure in my abdomen has been so bad all weekend that I have been near tears several times.  This causes a vicious cycle of using narcotics to treat the pain in my abdomen but then needing something to make the pressure go away.

Today, it was just terrible.  I felt like nothing was digesting and my pills weren’t working at all.  The pain increased despite taking both my long and short acting drugs.  By one, I was in tears and Milo woke to find me clutching a heating pad to my stomach begging God to take the pain away.  He was seconds away from dragging me to the emergency room when I vomited up everything from lunch on.  No wonder nothing was working!

Later today, I’m off to Mayo to have a CT scan and find out if we’re continuing the clinical trial or changing to something else.  I want to talk to them about a few things I’ve found out recently, especially since I have now met three women with the same cancer I have that were all stage four.  One is cancer free for three years after a transplant and surgery.  I want to know why this is supposedly not an option for me when there are others out there being treated with it.  I want a chance and I’m starting to feel like they are withholding it!

Here’s hoping I get some sleep and some answers today.  I’m not sure how much more I can take.


6 thoughts on “Bad Night

  1. I think of you often. I hope you can find some relief from the pain and other symptoms. Prayers that you are a candidate for the surgery/transplant option.

  2. Teresa says:

    Those options were never available for my sister either. They said it was because it had already spread too far…It’s very frustrating.

    I am so sorry you are in such pain. That makes me sad. I will pray they will give you some sort of answer and some sort of relief.

    Love, Teresa

  3. jdp64 says:

    Question no. 1: WHY didn’t you call me? I would have been happy to come and hold you. We are you parents and there in no one on earth we love more. To know you hurt and we weren’t there to try to help…..I don’t exactly know what we could have done, but we would have tried. I would definitely find out about the transplant. I would give my liver if I could. The people in my church, and me and Dad are praying for you, really hard. Just hang on Sweetie, God is in control. That’s probably why you threw up, you asked Him to take the pain away, didn’t He? Nothing is coincidence, God loves you and HE will heal you!

    We love you too
    Mom and Dad

  4. exiledtyke says:

    I hope you got answers to your questions and that there is a path forwards for you. In the short term I hope you can get regular sleep as I know from my own experiences that the long nights lying awake for whatever reason really sap morale, and yes, I’m having one of those nights right now!.

    • janined23 says:

      I’m sorry that you aren’t sleeping either. It makes me prone to crying and negative thoughts. It takes so much more energy to be positive when you are exhausted and in pain. No answers, unfortunately. I apparently don’t see the doctor until Monday.

      • Martin Plunkett says:

        I think, for me, part of the reason for my not sleeping is that I don’t have a regular routine involving anything physical, no walking to the train for the morning commute etc, and as for doing anything physical during the day, well, you know how that goes ;o)

        I will be one of those thinking about you on Monday and hoping you get something positive from the doctor.

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