Sometimes I feel as if I am sitting at the bottom of a well, the muck deep around me. There isn’t much water, just damp earth and no way out. I can see the blue of the sky, hear people laughing and talking. Do they even know I am down here?
Then the rain begins to fall.
I think a therapist might say I am depressed. I’d like to see him/her deal with terminal cancer.
Most days I can stay fairly optimistic, especially if I manage to get some sleep. Unfortunately, sleep is fleeting lately. For instance, last night I had about two hours before the pain was so bad I woke crying. After that, I dozed for about thirty minutes only to wake from a dream where Milo was attempting to rape me (no, clearly the lack of that kind of intimacy thanks to the cancer isn’t affecting me at all!) When I woke that second time, the pain was still bad and I could only sleep sitting up, which required that I sleep on the couch. I maybe had two more hours.
So, yea, emotional today.
Probably doesn’t help that they told me the port isn’t causing the heart problems or that I keep hearing that I need a miracle to survive.
I hate cancer.
I’ve returned to writing fiction when I am home during the day, but some people have suggested I tell my story in a novel. Anyone interested in learning about the chubby kid picked last who eventually grew into the chubby girl with cancer?
Sounds like a laugh a minute, no?
This Thing Inside Me 
Putting your experience in words is something not everyone with cancer can do. You write so very well that the rest of us gain some understanding of what you are suffering. It also helps us to understand what others with this damn disease are going through, but are unable to express it as well. Your words are gut-wrenching, eloquent, uplifting, heart-breaking and so honest. TELL YOUR STORY. It is a blessing to all who suffer to know they are not alone, and to all who love those who suffer, it gives insight and understanding. God bless.
Perfectly put Mary! I agree completely……it would be a shame NOT to write your story.
Tell about the beautiful, sensitive little girl who was wiser than, more mature than and definitely more lovable than those who were and are her contemporaries. There is no one I know whose story would be more readable and compassionate.
Mom and Dad say “Go for it”
Then sit a wait for your miracle, because I believe it’s on its way.
I love your image of the well, especially as enough rain will float you to the top so that you can step out, but you have to be able to keep afloat for however long that might take.
My wife is a psychologist and yes, I’m sure she would be talking to you about depression as she often does to me, and stressing that depression is a chemical imbalance which can be redressed fairly easily – though how anyone expects us to be anything other than chemically imbalanced with chemo and/or radiotherapy I really don’t understand – but I did talk briefly with one psychologist about whether there was a difference between being down (which I think I often am) and being depressed (which I think I’m not) and he said yes, there is a difference. I think with this blasted cancer thing anyone is entitled to be depressed and/or down and the truly, truly amazing thing is that you don’t spend every waking minute of every day in that state, and credit it to you for the positive things you bring not only to your life but to those of others around you.
Please put some of your fiction on here, and yes, I’d be interested in reading your life story so far. Are you really going to call it “Chubby”? ;o)
I’ll see what I can do about posting some of my fiction on here. What I am currently working on is editing a romance novel I wrote a few years ago and I think I am going to try and self publish it to kick something off my bucket list.
Chubby would be a GREAT title. I love it!
I agree with everyone. You should write a book about exactly how you feel while going through this. You have already written most of the book in your blog. Now just assemble it in a book form. It will help people going through similar experiences and health care people who don’t know what it is like.