Cancer Takes No Vacations

After the lung biopsy, I was pretty much out of commission for a while.  The pain had me taking narcotics pretty much every four hours and I was doing a lot of sleeping.  I’m not sure I would have been so gun-ho about the biopsy had I known just how terrible the recovery for it would be.  Another case of hindsight being twenty-twenty.

I was going to blog a few weeks ago about a wonderful experience I had with a Native American medicine man who completed a spiritual healing on me.  The more I thought about blogging the experience, though, the less personal it felt.  The experience was amazing and the rest that came afterwards was probably some of the best I’ve had in a long time.  So instead of detailing my time with my spiritual healer, I will instead tell you that sometimes there are forces at play besides medicine that can heal a body.  I know so many believe in prayer, but I really wish medicine would embrace just how much a spiritual healer can do for those that believe.

What really made me get back onto the blog today was my latest trip to the Mayo Clinic.  I’m officially in the trial, with my first dose of medication next Tuesday.  This week, they had me there for another PET scan and a CT of the chest and abdomen/pelvis.  They also drew blood work and completed an echocardiogram to see if my heart was functioning well.  Apparently, my heart is in good shape (ejection fraction, for those in the medical field, was sixty percent which is about average).  The cancer, however, is…worse.  The tumors that we knew about (liver, lymph, lung and spine) are all still there and all bigger, with the exception of the spinal tumor which they didn’t size.  The one on my spine, however, has created a compression fracture, which is why I am still having back pain.  The tumors have spread into my pelvis, so Dr. H wasn’t crazy when he said he couldn’t find my ovaries because all he saw was a mass.  The tumors have also grown into the omentum, which is a lining around the organs.  So while I have been taking a break from chemotherapy to get onto the trial, my cancer has taken this time to spread.

Devastated is the only word I can tell you to describe how I felt.  I know I’ve returned to my primary symptoms: nausea, loss of appetite, slow digestion and vomiting.  I assumed the cancer wasn’t exactly going to stay at bay without some kind of drug.  Heck, the drugs weren’t doing such a hot job of keeping it from growing.  Thinking these things and knowing them to be true, however, are two very different creatures.  Having another doctor confirm that I need a miracle, that this clinical trial needs to be a miracle, for me to live…

I’m only thirty-one-years-old.  I have only been married a year and a half.  We planned for babies.  We planned for a future that lasted more than a few years.  This is one black cloud that clings to me constantly.  I pray daily for my miracle…but I can’t justify why I deserve it more than some baby born too soon or a cancer stricken toddler who has so much life left to live.  I feel like it’s selfish for me to ask God to heal me when there are so many more deserving.

And still I ask.  I beg.  I cry.  I plead.  I bargain.  I hope, but not so much to be heartbroken if this too doesn’t work.

Because I need a miracle to see my next birthday.  To see children someday.  To spend thirty years with the man I’ve waited my whole life for.

So if you pray, can you toss me into that list please?  I feel like I have some job left to do here, but I don’t know what it is and I need more time.

Or maybe I just want more time.  I’m trying to trust God’s plan, but right now I’m so scared to learn what that is for me.


10 thoughts on “Cancer Takes No Vacations

  1. Praying for your miracle. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  2. Malika says:

    YOU ARE DESERVING OF MORE! Don’t put yourself down. No person is more deserving than another. In God’s eyes we are all deserving, or so I’ve learned in church, the synagogue and the mosque and just in life in general. I’m so happy that you were able to experience what you did with the Native American spiritual healer. Quite a blessing to have so many that care for and about you, Janine. I wish there was something more I could do for you, love. I feel we’ve grown apart lately, but I understand that you definitely need your “me” time to rest and experience your horrible symptoms. I am here for you, when you need and/or want. I was listening to the radio, this am, and Kelly Clarkson was on and all I could think was that I was sooooo excited that we will be going with Tawnya and her daughter to see her live again. I really hope that will be reality as I know we will have a blast. I love you and can’t wait to see you again and I trust you will feel better and this trial will be just right for you!

  3. exiledtyke says:

    The good news is that you are on the trial and maybe that’s the start of your own miracle. I really do hope it is the answer to yours and our prayers for you. You’ve been very strong (no-one counts wobbles!) and made it this far so hang on in there and keep believing that you are going to come out of this cancer hell. You have something to live for and you know that your life after cancer will have very different qualities to those it would have otherwise had.

    I understand your reluctance to blog about the medicine man but I really believe that you take the healing from wherever it comes – I’ve had Christians of various denominations praying for me along with a Pagan who claims to be a witch, Jews, Buddhists and Sikhs, as well as a few others who aren’t anything in particular. Positivity is energy and you take it in and use it to get healthy. If you can see your medicine man again then I think you should. If you can’t see him maybe he could send you distance healing?

    Consider yourself placed very lovingly (tossed indeed!) on my list.
    Om Bekanze Bekanze
    Maha Bekanze
    Raja Bekanze
    Samugate Soha

  4. Paula says:

    Prayers and love always sent and available for you

  5. Prayers sent your way.

  6. Gail Collins says:

    Hang on dear girl. It isn’t over til it is over. You have been on my mind constantly.

  7. Mary Sue says:

    It is devastating to read about it. I can’t even imagine how awful this is for you and Milo! You are on the pryaer list at our church, and will stay on it. God bless you ! hugs.

  8. Mel Young says:

    Greg, Sage and I are thinking of you and Milo. We are praying for that miracle you deserve. We are wishing that you find peace and healing. We are hopeful that you find quiet moments of comfort with the man you love so much. We are reaching out across the mile in love to you.

  9. Carol Spear says:

    God will answer prayer, there are many people asking for a mirlcle for you, I know He loves you . I also
    know we will all be together one day.
    aunt Carol

  10. jdp64 says:

    Dad will gladly take you bake to the Native healer if you want, if you feel it really helped.

    You are constantly in our prayers. God loves you as much as anyone else, and while there are others, both young and old, that need His touch, they are no more deserving than you, our love.

    Mom and Dad

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