So Tired

I am so tired of being sick and tired.

I cannot accurately express what it feels like to live the way I currently am.  The nausea is overwhelming and constant for the first few days after chemo.  Afterwards, I am lucky enough that it becomes intermittent.  This week it has been so strong that by the end of the night I cannot tolerate food.  As if it isn’t bad enough to vomit, it is so violent that I am physically in pain.  It actually causes my bones to ache and I start trembling uncontrollably.  Being this sick is miserable.  Completely and totally miserable.

The lethargy is horrid.  I actually managed to sleep most of my Monday away and today at work I felt as if I was dragging my limbs through concrete.  I pushed through and survived, but coming home was a welcome reprieve from the desire to crawl under a desk and nap.  It’s just emotionally and physically exhausting to be in this predicament.  How much more am I expected to take?

The worst part is that there is no end in sight.  What should have been three months of treatment before getting my life back has been almost twice that.  It’s been almost six months since I was diagnosed;nearly twenty-four long weeks since my first chemo treatment.  I have never seen a doctor this often in my life and I am just so tired of it.  I’m tired of needle pokes and toxins running through my blood.  I don’t want anymore of this and yet I can’t give up.  I want to so badly just lay down and stop fighting, but how can I do that to everyone else?  How can I ask that of them?

The darkness of my emotions envelops me like a blanket; I just can’t shake the feelings.  I see no exit strategy to this anymore and it fuels my reluctance to continue.  Sometimes, I’m tempted by the bottles of pills of I have for pain management.  It would be just so easy to throw in the towel.  One pill too many would be a fast reprieve from my current situation.  Emotionally, I’m drained.  The certainty I have that there is no positive end in site is overwhelming.  The only thing that keeps me from something as cruel as ending it all is Milo.  I cannot and will not do that to him…

But that doesn’t mean that when the pain and nausea are at their worst it doesn’t cross my mind.  That scares me.

At least I am not that weak.

I’m also not a hero and yet sometimes people make me feel as if I am.  They seem so awe-inspired that I am working, that I keep going.  They don’t know the truth: it takes everything I have to keep breathing.  To keep going requires all my energy and focus, all I have.  I’m not special; I’m not some kind of super strong individual.  I just remind myself to be like Dory, to keep swimming.  I can’t do anything less without hurting so many people.

But I am so tired and I really don’t want to go through this anymore.

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9 thoughts on “So Tired

  1. Pamela says:

    I am so sorry you feel so bad Janine. I understand that you are so tired of feeling sick and tired. I will pray for God to give you strength to carry on. You are such an awesome person. Please don’t give up.

  2. psychevida says:

    I am wrapping you in light on this difficult day. May you be filled with strength and peace.

  3. janined23 says:

    Thanks for the comments. Staying positive has gotten really exhausting and I think I’ve just bottomed out over the last few days. I’m hoping that this is the bottom and that I will start feeling better.

  4. River says:

    Having never had cancer, but watching too many relatives go through it, this post hit home for me. I feel bad for you; it’s probably a “normal” thing to go through this — I even remember my dad talking about it. But still – it’s scary and sad. “Talking” about this in this method is very healthy, and I’m sure that many more people will call you “courageous” for just getting those thoughts out there.

    Still wishing you well…

  5. Carol says:

    I know this is easy for me to saybut it’s the only way to deal with this. You have to live one day at a time . You have a husband that adores you, not many people find that kind of love . Try to make the best of the time you have and keep living one day at a time
    Love you
    Aunt Carol

  6. jdp64 says:

    I can’t even begin to know how you feel, my sweet. All I pray is that God gives you the peace and strength you need to continue. I beleive it is the enemy that is doing this to you, Don’t let him win. Lean on God and He will comfort you. I sincerely want you to be better. I want you healed, and you will be. Hang on hon, when things get too bad, call me…..always.

    I love you so much it hurts.

    Mom and Dad

  7. Paula C says:

    Janine, I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know the right words to say, and honestly I don’t know that there are any. I guess, I’ll just say I love you and pray you find yourself in better spirits soon. I send my love and prayers your way often and will continue to.

  8. Deb says:

    Dear God, please cover Janine with a blanket of rest and peace. Let the chemo do it’s job without ravishing her body and energy. Give her hope and light. Amen

  9. Charlotte says:

    It is ok to be tired…just DON’T give up. Getting thru those hard days, my sweet niece is what makes you stronger.

Support is always welcome.

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