I am so tired of being sick and tired.
I cannot accurately express what it feels like to live the way I currently am. The nausea is overwhelming and constant for the first few days after chemo. Afterwards, I am lucky enough that it becomes intermittent. This week it has been so strong that by the end of the night I cannot tolerate food. As if it isn’t bad enough to vomit, it is so violent that I am physically in pain. It actually causes my bones to ache and I start trembling uncontrollably. Being this sick is miserable. Completely and totally miserable.
The lethargy is horrid. I actually managed to sleep most of my Monday away and today at work I felt as if I was dragging my limbs through concrete. I pushed through and survived, but coming home was a welcome reprieve from the desire to crawl under a desk and nap. It’s just emotionally and physically exhausting to be in this predicament. How much more am I expected to take?
The worst part is that there is no end in sight. What should have been three months of treatment before getting my life back has been almost twice that. It’s been almost six months since I was diagnosed;nearly twenty-four long weeks since my first chemo treatment. I have never seen a doctor this often in my life and I am just so tired of it. I’m tired of needle pokes and toxins running through my blood. I don’t want anymore of this and yet I can’t give up. I want to so badly just lay down and stop fighting, but how can I do that to everyone else? How can I ask that of them?
The darkness of my emotions envelops me like a blanket; I just can’t shake the feelings. I see no exit strategy to this anymore and it fuels my reluctance to continue. Sometimes, I’m tempted by the bottles of pills of I have for pain management. It would be just so easy to throw in the towel. One pill too many would be a fast reprieve from my current situation. Emotionally, I’m drained. The certainty I have that there is no positive end in site is overwhelming. The only thing that keeps me from something as cruel as ending it all is Milo. I cannot and will not do that to him…
But that doesn’t mean that when the pain and nausea are at their worst it doesn’t cross my mind. That scares me.
At least I am not that weak.
I’m also not a hero and yet sometimes people make me feel as if I am. They seem so awe-inspired that I am working, that I keep going. They don’t know the truth: it takes everything I have to keep breathing. To keep going requires all my energy and focus, all I have. I’m not special; I’m not some kind of super strong individual. I just remind myself to be like Dory, to keep swimming. I can’t do anything less without hurting so many people.
But I am so tired and I really don’t want to go through this anymore.