God has a sense of humor. I know this for a fact as right now He is laughing wildly and mostly at my expense. Earlier this week I decided I would start working nine hour shifts so I wouldn’t have to depend as much on my PTO to make my thirty-six hours. I could earn the amount I would on the floor and start building back up the PTO I used in case another emergency arose. Despite really suffering from nausea and fatigue on Monday, the idea was sound even if I had to have a biopsy on Thursday. This week might not work out without PTO, but next week would…
Or, they would throw me a curve ball.
The hospital census is down –and by down I mean we have one-third of the beds in the hospital full. Because our numbers are way down, we need to cut back somewhere. Neuro is closing, which means my normal co-workers will be forced to nurse on other units and our staff will rotate and take turns being on-call or canceled. For me, who isn’t nursing, this means that my hours are being cut. I am losing twelve hours a week, which is one third of my pay a month. That, for the record, is a lot of money. Budgets will need to be tightened while medical bills from my last MRI and my biopsy tomorrow will be rolling in. Just when I thought things were finally under control, God laughed.
He’s awesome that way.
On a non-financial note, I really don’t want to go to the biopsy or chemo. I’m going, don’t freak out, but I don’t want to. I’m just done being treated like a Guinea pig. Let’s see if this chemical will work…nope, oh sorry about that hair loss. How about this medication? No…huh. Maybe the next one.
I just hate being sick all the time. I know I’ve said all of this before, but I don’t know if I can even express how frustrating it is. I’m poked and probed, chemicals are dumped into me, my usual escapes have been taken away and I’m forced to abide by someone else’s rules. And have I mentioned that God is apparently getting a huge kick out of this the entire time? I really just want to run away and forget for a while that I have cancer, except I can’t because I can’t afford to run away. If I could afford to, I’d have to be back for chemo and more tests anyway. Or God would just throw me another curve ball.
Hear that snort? That was Him agreeing.