I think in my haste to regale with the tales of this weekend, I might not have adequately explained just how horrible the experience was. This is not your average stomach flu or morning sickness type issue. When the nausea began, my stomach felt like it was knotted ten times over with sharp pains throughout. Fetal position offered some relief at least. Food both exited (my body craved nourishment) and disgusted me (my stomach officially thought I was insane.) When I would attempt to consume anything thicker than a cracker, I would be forced to eat my Zofran like candy or else turn a sickly shade of pale yellow with dark circles around my eyes. Malika told me she knew when that zombie-eque look came upon my face the end was near.
Then it would come. It felt as if I were pulling food from my toes and trying to turn my stomach inside out. My bones ached with the effort, I’d cry, my skin would become clammy and I would start shivering and pleading for it to end. For several hours later, if I dared try food again, I would pay.
Until the dump of toxins and pain relievers into my system that came with the cancer, I was fairly drug naïve. When zofran, something I knew from the hospital as a drug that worked well, didn’t work I was slightly hesitant to ask for more. Only slightly. Three days without food changes anyone’s mind. I completely praise the choice of ativan. The more I was able to keep small meals down, the easier it was to see that I could make it through this. I had been startled to realize how easy it was to throw in the towel as a cancer patient when you are suffering from the drugs that are supposedly going to cure. If it wasn’t for the amazing support of my husband, family and friends, I never would have made it through the weekend. I felt broken physically and mentally as it was; going it alone would never have been an option.
Don’t second guess chemo as a treatment for sure, but do understand there is some suffering involved. I promise, though, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn’t a train. It just might be some mean kid with a flashlight, but you can take him.