Little Moments

I suppose it was fated that I skipped the finer details of my hospital stays.  Not only did I apparently hallucinate a lot, but my oxygen needs were at one point 8L on an oxymizer.  Milo and my physician questioned my ability to pull through the DVT and PEs.  I survived the first stay to return twice when the new chemo wouldn’t allow me to keep more than water down,

And then I was released just after my father died.  It is is incredibly difficult to  grieve for your parent when you are fighting  to keep weight on (not accomplished) and your life changes immensely when you are given a box of medications to manage your own pain and nausea.  I haven’t given up on a miracle, but I just couldn’t take being sick anymore.  The suffering was too much and all I wanted was to make it through the holidays and everything else was icing on the cake.  We’re in the cake phase.  I’m enjoying it.

Such as, last night Milo was giving me my a dose of my medications and said something about the monty.  I commented on the full monty and off came his undergarments to Milo’s own twisted dance.  I couldn’t stop laughing and I realized it was little moments like puddle jumping or cooking together whenever we could that I was trying to fight for.  I gave up the chemo so that I could live for all the little moments and memories that make up a  real life.  I’m creating with Milo times so that no matter what happens when he remembers me fondly.

Or as he said finds me irreplaceable.

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9 thoughts on “Little Moments

  1. Tawnya says:

    Those little moments & memories with our family and friends are the most important, as that is all we take with us when we pass on and all we leave with our loved ones to reflect upon in our absence. I love you very much Janine and support your decision to stop chemo and just live!! Can’t wait until I’m able to see and hug you <3

  2. Bangkok Kennedys says:

    Been thinking about you…and praying that you will continue to have the strength to enjoy each and every moment you have. We love you.

  3. exiledtyke says:

    I really admire your decision. Enjoy gorging on cake!

  4. jdp64 says:

    As always..(hey, I can’t say Dad and I anymore :() I stand behind your decisiion. I would rather see you as you are, actually enjoying some of the smaller things, than lying there wasting away. It broke my heart to see you like that. It gives me much pleasure to see you eat, smile and even chat. I still believe you will get that miracle, my beautiful daughter.

    Save some of those little memories for the rest of us…..

    did I ever see Milo do his dance? don’t think so….don’t think I would even want to. Some “dances” are best done in private, sand audience.

    You will NEVER know how much I love you

    Mom

  5. BcomingFree says:

    Hello, I just wanted to let you know that you inspire me. In showing appreciation for that, I’ve nominated you for the Reality Blog Award. I don’t think it has any rules, I simply nominated 5 more blogs as did the one who nominated me (see my blog post http://bcomingfree.wordpress.com/) if you’d like. If not, no worries, no pressure. Just know that you are an amazing person, and that’s why I’ve nominated you for this. <3

  6. River says:

    You’re in my prayers.

  7. Janine you always had a special special place in Jonathan’s heart. We love you so much and are always praying for you. Hugs and kisses from The Acierno Family.

  8. Shirley Geile says:

    I’ve been thinking of you lately, Janine. I think that was a brave thing to do. Quality is better than quantity. You are wise beyond your years. I could picture the dance and you laughing, just as you described. That’s love! You are both very lucky to have found each other. You are in my thoughts and prayers

  9. Julie says:

    May your heart dance as the pain and discomfort has faded. A quiet moment of sadness and a celebration for the woman who inspired so many. May peace be with all of you.

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